Essy + Phto: Neck stuck out

I was listening to supposed former infatuation junkie and noticed something about the album. A lot of the songs deal with someone trying to learn to be 'better' in a world that has taught them to be 'worse'. Compassionate in a selfish world. Giving in a taking world. Forgiving in a judgmental world, and so on. It got me thinking: are the emotional survival skills taught to us by our culture actually the very things that leave us alone and alienated? How much of our lives are spent unlearning all this wisdom and becoming more connected to the real world around us?

There's been some shaking up in my life lately; a lot of things have changed. I keep telling myself that I'm going to get back to normal, back to myself, back on my feet. So much of the word 'back'; so much of the belief that my best days are somehow behind me, and I need to turn back the clock somehow to achieve an idealized, paleoconservative self identity fully adherent to the rugged individualism our culture requires. I'm a little tired of trying to get 'back'. I was never really totally rugged anyway; I've always been a tightly wound ball of fears, anxieties, regrets, etc. Plus a dash of grace. Maybe I should just walk forward with that dash of grace. How poetic. In real life I really just want to start being more honest... because worrying about being to forward or too guarded is a tremendous waste of energy when there's so much to do in this life.

Today i am going to buy a bicycle, schedule an eye exam, and enjoy the weather. Later will be drum practice and reading, and probably a movie or two. All the while, i'll have my neck stuck out, my ducks out of their rows, my honesty spinal-tap-amp at 11, my sentences starting with anything but 'I', and ironically i will be the most 'together' person you know. Cheers.

-Larson

PS - This sick, sad confessional is not really poetry, so it's labeled as an essay in the title (though it's not very well cited, is it?). Thoughts, reactions, stories to share? Comment away!